Showing posts with label Sundays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sundays. Show all posts

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Devil's Dyke

It’s the first heat of the year, all orange on my shoulders, glowing in my cheeks. Grass is soft under my hands; the hill is cows and lambs chewing on their mother's soft underbelly. We pass ponies, bumble bees, a shrew in the undergrowth. Skylarks. Kites bent high in turquoise. My back is hot, my face whipped cool by spring wind. I can see my breath.
     
It's majestic up on the hill, the yellow flowers of gorse bushes drawing blood on my finger. Then a pub with babies on strings, dogs with big fur, yapping; men guzzling plastic pints of ale. I nibble on oatcakes, basil leaves and sometimes fingers. The land arches like a back, folds like a handful of secrets.
     
Then I am walking back, lost, wondering whether to worry that I am lost. The moon is up on my left side. As long as it's on our left, we'll find our way home. But we're turning this way, that way... left, right, all about. I look up to my left and there it is... a snowy apparition in all that sunshine.
We pass horses galloping, erratic, tossing their riders. We pass the pylon and the path that disappears into nowhere. We pass the side of the hill that looks like skin. I want to stick out my finger and touch it, taste it under my tongue, bite it.
     
A six o' clock chill creeps under my jacket. Then we're back to bricks and tarmac and some man jogging. Gardens with fountains spitting tiny jets of water. A door slashed with Happy Birthday in a gold plastic streamer, five children inside, sitting in the shadows. I stand, feet flat on the pavement, the sun once again blinding me.
     
It's the end of Sunday afternoon. I ride the packed bus the rest of the way home, sore muscles and something soft under all these bones. It radiates out from my clothes, this softness; it nuzzles up to other passengers. Of course, they never notice. I walk up a cold street. Push open the door. Slip into a warm pub full of people. Order coffee. Sit down; lift the mug to my teeth. Hot liquid hits my throat, sliding warmth down my chest. I feel it here in my belly.

Monday, January 16, 2006

sunday service

Sunday, i watched the waves at Cuckmere, looked for fossils in the middle of the rocks. I was reminded of Dungeness, with it's glow in the dark country, it's power station blues. Those pink grey vistas kill me, they eat into your skin with their glory, leave you bitterly fed, broken and alive. And that is how it should be. Beauty like the corpse of an angel.

The sky line that blends from all those blackened sea side towns - Brighton, Peacehaven, Newhaven, Seaford, Birling Gap and all along to Eastbourne, flickers with death. The colours are all too dense, heavy, bright. I love that stretch of coast, and the pinnacle is Beachy Head, rising like a white cut demon from the sea. The straightest cliff before Dover, and you don't have to look too hard to find the tiny crosses in the grass, dessicated flowers for those who fell, jumped, and were pushed, over the edge.

We got our boots wet, and heaved stoutly with cold. The light was fading, but not too fast, and i could still see the houses on the cliff edge. We talked about black and white photos and what you think about when you are eleven. We tried to talk about infinity and the cosmos, but I just got confused, stumbling over my words and feeling silly. So we talked about a funeral instead, and animal rights.

I wonder if beauty can ever come without a price. Or was the price always already there, before beauty was even a twinkle in our eye?

The hills are soft, the river winding. But fences show us where we can and cannot go, these green spots hide the tears and fighting, the nearby country pub is full of fake charm and malice, they built "Tandoori Cottage" on the homes of badgers.

I love charcoal skies, barren beaches. I love walking with someone you like, when you can feel alone but together, together but alone. We were both happy as we greeted the bus to take us home. The moon was rising behind our heads as we sped off up country lanes, and i saw a shooting star. Away from Eastbourne, back to the living town life.

That evening, we ate Thai food and warmed our toes in the half light of L's bedroom. She had an altogether darker glow about her than us, upright in front of the window like a wax chinese doll, wanting Nick Cave, not happy sea side stories. So we all talked about why everyone we knew was fucked up, and it dawned on me that meant I must be too.

I was filled with sea breezes and mulled wine. And I love the people I am with. And this is no country idyll.